Conversation becoming Conflicts? SIX ways to keep disagreements agreeable…

You are talking and your buddy isn’t listening.  His eyes glaze over as soon as your breath becomes sound and he jumps in and interrupts when you take another breath.  His comments show that he isn’t hearing what you are saying so you talk faster and louder, with the same result.  You talk over each other and say things you really don’t mean.  He’s so stupid and rude!

Or is he?  Maybe you both share that dubious distinction equally.  You have thoughts you want him to hear and he has thoughts he wants you to hear.  So you are both equal there.  Maybe your opinions are different, like, for instance, about the world’s longest election cycle and two of the least liked candidates on the planet?

How can you have a civil conversation without losing your mind or your friend?

1. Decide what your goal is…Educating and understanding or winning? Here’s a hint:  focus on educating and understanding, not winning if you want to keep your friend.  An exception is if you have that kind of competitive relationship where both of you understand that ‘winner takes all’ is the goal and there is an undercurrent of humor, not anger at all times.
2. Use facts not feelings. You don’t have to have a bankers’ box filled with admissible evidence for everything you want to say, but at least educate yourself from a variety of sources before starting a conversation.  Variety of sources, BTW, means several differing news outlets, not just ones that agree with your opinion.  It’s OK to say that “It is my understanding…” but don’t use that as the basis for every point you want to make.  Do your homework.
3. Do not resort to name calling. Take a look at any political conversation in the comments section of online news stories or on Facebook and you will see a whole lot of ‘unfriending’ out there in social media land.  If you find yourself getting angry or agitated realize you might be frustrated at your own lack of evidence to back up your arguments.  Reread #2 above.
4. Keep anger out. Turn the burner down by consciously slowing down your speech and controlling the volume.  Minimize gestures like pointing, waving your arms or rolling your eyes.  Remember your ultimate goal is to educate and understand.
5. Listen, don’t just reload. Maintain eye contact, keep body language neutral (uncross those arms Mister).  Listen for common ground.  For instance, even in this overheated presidential race, we all want peace and prosperity; we just disagree on how to get there!  Ever argue with someone until you both realize that you are arguing the exact same point?  Nuff said.
6. Lastly, agree to disagree. You don’t have to win every single time.  Most people do not change their opinions based on one conversation.  Change comes one step at a time, if it comes at all.  Remember your goal:  educate and understand.

Finally, buy your buddy a beverage and toast to your friendship.  That’s what is really important anyway!