Dismissed! How to know when to let go of a friendship

But she has been your friend since high school!  You have met at the same lunch spot every Monday for ten years and your families tailgate every at college home football game!

But you dread it.  You hate those lunches, and you really hate the tailgates.  You can’t seem to talk about anything without arguing, and other people have hinted that she has said some  hateful things about you.

You want to break up and go your separate ways.  Do the “it’s not you, it’s me” thing.  But aren’t friendships supposed to last forever?  Especially if you have such a long history together?  Maybe you are just being a jerk…or are you?

Before you start earworming Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”, consider:

Is there some lingering resentment you have towards this friend?  Some conflict or misunderstanding unresolved that has been simmering for a while? (Maybe the fact that others have said your buddy talks about you in a negative way???)  If so, sit down and be honest with your friend.  Maybe you can come to some resolution, or maybe not, but trying to salvage the friendship is a good way to honor the more positive history you have had together.

Or is it simply that your personalities no longer work together?  Sometimes friendships just run their course.  We all grow up, even when we are grown up.  Taste in music changes, you look forward to staying in rather than going out, you start to actually like broccoli…maybe you don’t have much in common other than a common history.   If this is closer to the truth it’s OK to back away rather than blow it all up.  Just be “busy” when she calls, or be honest about your need to make some changes in your life right now.  Maybe you will grow back towards an active friendship sometime in the future.

Worse case is that your friend is not much of a friend anymore.  Perhaps she has grown, yes, but into someone you don’t really like.  If this is a recent development, maybe a sit down re if there is anything going on in her life that she is projecting onto others (such as you).  Maybe she is not acting like a friend but she could be again and desperately needs one to help her get off the negative merry go round.  Your history together is worth an ask and an offer to help if needed.

However, it is not your lifelong job nor responsibility to make her problem your problem, especially if this is a long term character flaw that you do not want any part of or if there is no intent to change.  It is perfectly OK, as life is short and time is your most precious commodity, to let the Good Ship Friendship sail on without you.

Morale of the story is to do the right thing by finding out if the friendship can be saved.  If not, let it go and don’t feel guilty.  Do right and you can sleep at night.