By Dixie 
Have you ever heard of a Godwink?
Yourdictionary.com describes a Godwink as: “An event or personal experience, often identified as coincidence, so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as the answer to a prayer.”
Everyone I knew growing up said they were Christian, and I thought that is what I was too. Kind of like being a Christian by osmosis. I was one, because everybody else said they were one and what else would I be?
Some churchgoing, I suspect, was a social expectation back when my parents were children. People lived within a few miles of where they were born and didn’t travel outside their area much, especially in rural communities. Roads were a mishmash of paved, gravel and plain dirt until the US Interstate system started in 1956 (finished in 1976) and at my age that wasn’t that long ago! Travel by plane was expensive and mostly for businessfolk with good expense accounts. People stayed home, families knew each other, and if you were a churchgoer and didn’t go, yo mama would hear about it.
When I was a child my family wasn’t in the habit of going to church. We were, at best, CEO’s when it came to my being churchgoing: Christmas and Easter only. I’m not sure why except for busy lives and bratty kids to raise (me and my brother, mostly him of course).
My husband’s family were in church ‘anytime the doors were opened’, meaning Sunday morning, evening, Wednesday night and revival weekends. I envy that.
Despite my lack of formal churching, I had little Godwink nudges throughout my childhood. I remember as a little girl sleeping on the edge of the bed because I figured Jesus needed a place to sleep and he was a big grownup. No clue where I got that idea but I still sleep on the edge!
There was also a big blue Bible Stories book at the dentist office that I really liked. It was a thick book like an encyclopedia, and I mostly looked at the pictures. Maybe my interest in it meant I was looking for Jesus to save me from the dentist. Just kidding. Maybe. Maybe not.
One Halloween I was trick or treating in my neighborhood (remember those plastic masks with the elastic that broke as soon as you left the house? Good times). Kids would backtrack to the groups behind them and report on the houses with the best candy.
One house had torn up pieces of plastic and rubber bands littering the front yard. The other kids warned us to skip that house because they didn’t even have candy. I was curious, went anyway and they gave me a little bag with a plastic glove inside. Each finger was a different color and talked about Jesus.
I saved that glove for several years and hid it deep in a big paper flower from the fair that year. I would secretly take it out and reread it. I don’t remember what candy I got that year but I do remember that glove. I found out later in life it was called the Good News Glove. I am not sure I was what you would consider ‘saved’ at that point but it planted a seed. Maybe a seed in rocky soil, but a seed none the less.
I called myself a Christian as I grew up, although I didn’t know exactly what it meant nor how to act like one.
I remember filling out some application at school when I was a teenager and under the place marked ‘Religion’ (yep, they had that on applications then) I wrote ‘Babtist’. One of my teachers pointed at the word and said loudly (at least to me) that I had spelled it wrong. I’m sure she meant nothing snarky but I was so embarrassed. How could I call myself a Christian when I didn’t even know how to spell Baptist? I didn’t know the difference between denominations and didn’t go to church anyway.
For many years as a young and not so young adult, I read books about all sorts of religious beliefs, mostly not mainstream anything. The older I got the more I realized my intentions about what I wanted to accomplish in life didn’t match my actions and I just kept doing and being the opposite of what I wanted. I was looking for something or someone to help me.
I believe there is something inside everyone that looks for God. When you look at the ocean, you can see a curve across the horizon. Our planet is so small with so many people, so many thoughts and emotions. There is such beauty in nature and our planet precisely formed so we can breathe, grow food, learn and enjoy our lives.
How could anyone think all of this was a cosmic accident? There had to be more.
When I was in my late 30’s, I had a flight the next day to a sales presentation. I was the talking head and one of the company’s tech guys was meeting me there. The night before I was depressed and alone at my home. I drank. A lot. I started feeling so sick and nauseated. It was late and my flight was early but here I was sick and throwing up. I was doubting I could make it for my 6am flight but I had a big presentation I was solely responsible for doing. A co-worker was flying in from another state to join me. I had to make it.
I don’t know if it was in my mind or real but I heard cackling. It was a sound that I had never heard before or since but I knew it was evil. I asked God to help me and He did. I made it through that night and made it to my flight with an incredible headache. My co-worker Pete met me at a restaurant for breakfast to discuss the presentation and I was barely hanging on.
I tried making small talk as I silently prayed not to throw up. Pete asked about my flight and I mentioned I usually read fiction novels but the airport bookstores weren’t open this early. I had not seen anything interesting lately anyway. Pete suggested a book called Left Behind. I had not heard of it but was always looking for new reading material.
Later that day, I made it through the presentation and headed back to the airport. I needed something to keep my mind off my head and stomach and saw a bookstore. Right there in the front display was the book Pete mentioned, so I bought it and read the first chapter or two on the flight back to Atlanta.
When I got home, I felt a little better. I couldn’t seem to put the book down and continued to read it into the morning until I finished it. That book changed my life. It explained how to be saved!
I can’t say I became or am the perfect Christian and a whole lot of times since that day no one would have known was finally a saved Christian. I failed a lot. A whole lot. I still do. But I’m learning and leaning on God to show me how to live.
I find when I am struggling, I am trying too hard to do things in my own strength. Talking to God and surrendering the outcome to Him is the only way anything works. Sometimes it is not in the way I want or in my timing, but I trust His way is the best way. I have to choose to trust.
There is a meme of an angel statue holding her head with her hands. I imagine that is how angels look at me sometimes. But God knew back when I was a little girl that I was His, but He allowed me to come to Him by showing me these Godwinks all throughout my 61 years. He doesn’t force anyone.
There have been lots more Godwinks since them, one being meeting my husband. Here’s that story:
Mark and I met online!
I had given up on finding anyone and was planning on eventually moving to a retirement community in Florida. On Valentine’s Day, a Facebook friend of mine made a comment in a post that she had met her husband online. I was feeling a little down, saw the post and decided to do a Hail Mary and try one last time.
I joined Elite Singles using a fake name (Janet!). Mark was on Silver Singles and (unknown to us) the two companies had merged a couple of years ago. I got some likes from random men but was not interested enough in learning how to follow up. Mark said he had liked my profile a few times but figured I wasn’t interested because I had not responded.
He did notice that I had viewed his profile a few times (I thought he was handsome and a musician!) and he sent me a brief message. We chatted online a couple of times after I got over my technical difficulties, but no conversation beyond niceties.
Mark decided one day to do a Hail Mary of his own and sent me a message saying he was going to be in my town that Friday and would I join him for dinner or drinks. He was very polite and said he would understand if I thought it was too soon, or if I felt uncomfortable.
I was skeptical about trying to find anyone and told God that while I would like to find love, it was OK if that wasn’t meant for me and I would be OK alone. I texted Mark back that I was very busy that day and might be able to stop by for a quick drink, but I’d have to let him know later if I was coming.
I worked in my yard all day Friday and kept talking to God about how I didn’t want to go. I was tired of the whole first date “job interview with sexual harassment” thing, tired of getting my hopes up, tired of being disappointed. I reminded Him (several times) that I was OK alone.
Later that afternoon, I was so exhausted and drained from the heat (and my mental wrestling) that I told God (again) that I didn’t want to go, but I would if He wanted me to.
Here’s where it gets weird. I kept hearing little prompts in my head: “Go take a shower”. I did, but I kept telling Him I didn’t want to go. Then as I stood in my closet looking for something to wear, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to wear (you women know that feeling). I said, ‘Lord if you want me to go, you will have to find me something to wear’. My arms reached out and pulled out an outfit that I actually liked. OK. Guess I was going.
By this time it was around 8. I sent a text to Mark saying I was coming after all, but I could only stay for a little while (still giving myself an out if I needed one). During the drive to Wild Wings I kept talking to God saying that I didn’t expect anything but the inevitable ‘how soon can I politely leave’.
I asked Him if it wasn’t a match would He please let Mark be a nice guy who I could talk with, have a pleasant evening and maybe even become a friend.
I walked in the back door, and at the bar was a tall fellow with broad shoulders in a dark blue shirt with his back to me. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around. We both smiled really, really big. I remember gasping a little because he was so handsome.
We talked and laughed nonstop for over two hours. It was April 15th and we were engaged May 27th.
We both keep praying for God’s will and for each other. And we will continue to do so. God is really, really good.
He really is…