By Lisa 
“Wow, are you making real chili?” the checkout gal at Wally World asked, looking at my groceries. “Like not the canned chili kind?”Good gosh. What the heck happens if the electric can opener breaks, or the local Taco Bell didn’t pay their light bill that month? Or Orville Redenbacher explodes your microwave? Are you just going to starve???
You don’t have to be Julia Childs to turn on a stove (Note: If you don’t know her, at least Google the SNL clips on YouTube for a giggle). When the hangry pangs strike, you owe it to yourself to put together a decent meal or two out of some simple ingredients you keep at home without calling Dominos. Maybe you can even invite someone to an actual sit down, no pizza box allowed dinner!
Note that these do involve cans and a can opener. Please, oh please, tell me you own a real, mechanical (non electric) one? If not, put it on your shopping list. Get a decent one, about $14 dollars because it is completely worth it over some cheaper version that is hard to turn or breaks after a couple of cans. If you don’t have a large pan and a large boiler, please call yo’ mama and confess. I am certain she has some extras she can donate to your cause. Mostly cause she don’t want to spoon feed yo hiney forever. Just sayin.
Time to stock up on a few basic items in advance. You are going Krogering. Get a pen and paper.
1. Chili:
Shopping list:
1 can chili beans (or pinto, the chili ones just have a little extra flavor)
1 lb ground beef (just get the tube kind, this ain’t fancy. Put the ground beef in your freezer if you are not going to make chili in the next day or two. Rotten ground beef is not a smell you want to encounter.)
1 can diced tomatoes (get the chili kind if you want a little extra spice. If you don’t like tomato lumps in your chili, get tomato sauce (not paste)
1 envelope chili spices (I use McCormick but most all are good. Choose from mild, medium or hot. These are usually in the spice section but sometimes in the canned vegetable area).
Directions (are on the envelope, but in case you want some extra hand holding, here goes):
Get a pan, open the tube of ground beef, get a wooden spoon or plastic spatula and turn the heat on medium. Put the beef in the pan and start using the spoon or spatula to break it down into smaller pieces. Keep doing this until the beef looks brownish with nothing that looks pink. Turn the heat off.
You will notice a lot of liquid in the pan. That is grease, which you need to drain off, otherwise you will be in the bathroom all night. Trust me on this one, please. Grab a colander (OK, don’t have one? Does Mama have one? Kroger? Sigh. OK, grab the lid to the pan instead if that’s all you have).
Either way, also grab a large bowl or a large boiler. If you have a colander, put it over the bowl or boiler and pour the beef into the colander in order to drain the grease off. If you are using a pot lid, tilt the pan with the beef carefully over the bowl/boiler and hold the pot lid against it, letting as much of the grease drain off.
Note that you do not want to drain the been directly into the sink because it can cause clogs in the future which ain’t no fun to deal with. And do not get the bright idea to drain the grease directly into the trash–plastic melts BTW. You will throw the grease away later after it cools.
Put the pan with the drained beef back on the stove with the heat off. Open the two cans with your (new!) can opener, open the spice packet and put them all into the pan. Stir all together, and turn the heat on medium again. Dinner is ready in about 10-15 minutes.
Some variations for ya:
Add a half can of beer while cooking the chili. Drink the rest, duh.
Add raw chopped onions, shredded cheese, crumbled crackers, or sour cream after cooking.
Cook some spaghetti noodles and put the chili on top.
Grill or boil some hot dogs, grab some buns and put the chili on top.
Melt a couple of globs of Velvetta or similarly fake cheese product into the chili, get some corn chips, and you have yourself a pretty tasty yet unhealthy as heck dip.
2. Spaghetti:
Shopping list:
Tomato sauce (use diced tomatoes if you prefer).
Tomato paste (tiny can)
1 envelope spaghetti seasoning mix (McCormick, hey my Pop used to work for them so I am loyal).
Mozzarella cheese (ah, just get the green can, store brand is OK, don’t be such a snob).
1 pound ground beef (Get the tube because its cheaper. The only time you need the kind in the package is when you are making hamburger or meat loaf that needs to stick together better.)
Directions:
Grab the boiler and fill it about half full with water and put on the stove with the lid on. Turn on high heat until the water boils, then down to about medium low. You want to still see some boiling going on but not overflowing the pan. Put some spaghetti noodles in the water–I usually break them into thirds because I can’t for the life of me do that twirling thing on a spoon without wearing most of the sauce. I also grab about a nickle to a quarter sized amount (circumference) of noodles per person. Follow directions for how long to cook the noodles; if you can’t see the label through the cloud of steam coming off the pot, it is usually 8-10 minutes.
Put the ground beef in the pan, turn heat on medium and start breaking up (see instructions above, this ain’t rocket science). When the beef is brown, drain it (keep scrolling back up if you forgot how, jeez).
Add the envelope of spices and the canned stuff (use about half of the tomato paste unless you are adding some water), stir it all together and turn the heat on medium. 10-15 minutes later, you are officially an Italian cook (JK my real Italian friends, don’t be a hater).
Variations:
Add a half glass of wine while cooking and you know what to do with the rest.
Add Texas Toast to your shopping list. This is a given, especially if you have guests. Find it in the frozen foods section. You better be OK with the smell of garlic tomorrow morning, fair warning.
Add bagged salad if you are going to eat this meal within the next day or so. Just get the kind with all the stuff in it, including the dressing. This ain’t Iron Chef.
If you don’t like beef, just omit and use skinless, boneless chicken breasts instead. Gently boil them in water for 15-25 minutes depending on size until there is no pink inside. No, you cannot boil the chicken together with the noodles unless you want to get your stomach pumped later. Use use two forks to pull them apart and shred, add to the sauce. Puhleeze do not boil the chicky too long because nobody likes a rubber chicken except old comedians and NASA (Google Camilla Corona). #notnomnom.
Another variation is to bake some chicken breasts instead of the beef, and top them with the sauce. Mix half the ‘no-beef’ sauce with the cooked noodles and put into an oven friendly casserole dish. Add the uncooked chicken breasts on top (its OK!) put some mozzarella cheese on top, put the rest of the sauce over that and put into the oven at about 375 degrees for 30-40 minutes. You may want to add a half cup or so of water or wine to the sauce because the noodles will soak up some of the liquid. Take out of the oven and top with more cheese.
If you have kids and want to sneakily get them to eat vegetables, grind up a carrot or two super small, boil them for 10 minutes or so and add them to the sauce. Tell them when they are 18 years old. Tee hee.
3. Soup (this is a little harder but you will completely avoid canned soup after tasting homemade soup. The exception is the sacred Campbell’s Tomato Soup served with grill cheese sammies of course):
Shopping list:
1-2 pound ground beef (tube, don’t make me come through this screen), or chicken breasts, about a pound or two.
1 box beef or chicken broth/stock. Get another box if you are using 2 pounds of meat.
1 onion (any kind except purple, mainly because I don’t like them)
1 small bag frozen vegetables (there are some specifically for soup, but really just get the mix that appeals to you)
1 can petite diced tomatoes
Olive oil (get a small bottle because it goes rancid quickly!)
Garlic (diced kind in the jar usually in the produce section or sometimes the spice aisle. You can omit this but who doesn’t like garlic???)
Directions:
Cut the onion in half. Peel the outer skin and first layer off and throw it away. Dice the onion by laying the cut side down, make slices all the way across, then turn your cutting board and slice the other way (you ARE using a cutting board not the kitchen counter aren’t you??? #byedeposit)
For beef soup: grab your boiler and put the meat in it on medium heat, along with the onions. Cook it per instructions above and drain.
For chicken soup, fill your boiler about half full and turn on high. Add chicken breasts and gently boil per the instructions above. Turn off the heat, drain off the water, get a fork and take the chicken breasts out and put them on a cutting board to cool down a little.
Grab your pan, swirl about two or three tablespoons of olive oil around it and tilt the pan a few times to coat the pan. Turn the heat on medium, wait about 30 seconds for the pan to get hot, then add the the onions and stir them around. If you like garlic, add a little plop of it to the pan (like a teaspoon or two). You will need to stir this often so it doesn’t burn. If it does burn, throw it out because it will ruin the soup with a bitter taste. I usually keep both onion powder and garlic powder on hand in case I burn my onions and garlic which I do quite often!
Grab your boiler again and this time fill it with the beef or chicken broth. Put the package of frozen vegetables along with the canned tomatoes and cooked onions and garlic into the broth. Turn on medium high and cook per the instructions on the frozen vegetable bag, usually 15-25 minutes.
In the meantime, shred the chicken using two forks to pull the meat apart. When the vegetables are done, add the chicken to the soup. Taste and add salt, pepper and whatever spice you like now. Keep on simmer until ready to eat.
Variations:
Grab that Texas toast, or a box of good croutons or crackers.
Make a grilled cheese sammie, which is the ever-loving wife of Mr. Soup. Two cheese slices between good bread, a tiny amount of butter or oil on the pan, cook on medium until crispy on each side and add bacon for more happiness.
Some ideas for additional seasoning if you are feeling adventurous:
Italian seasoning, add a bay leaf or two during cooking. Drizzle with olive oil after cooking
Soy sauce instead of salt, sesame seed oil drizzled over the top after cooking
Chili powder, cumin, jalapeno peppers. Add chili, black or pinto beans too.
If you prefer ham instead of chicken or beef, use Goya’s Ham Flavored Concentrate seasoning in water instead of chicken or beef stock. It is usually found in the international food section, Latino or Mexican area. Use potatoes instead of tomatoes, which can be found frozen or just cut up one or two from the produce section about the same size as your frozen vegetables. The potatoes will soften as the frozen vegetables cook.
Allright, I am getting hangry myself now. You have no excuse! Get in that kitchen and make me proud! Happy eating!!!